Taking out pension pot - nightmare delays and more.....
1
Can this be true? - I understand that due to a high level of complaints from Aviva policy holders regarding delays in receiving their pension pots, the Alpha Pensions Claim Team have recently been replaced by circus trained chimps who are working for peanuts as per NUT union rates.
This move by the management was inspired by an earlier television advertising campaign for a famous tea brand, showing chimps holding cups of tea in a group, sitting around a table and gibbering away, making them ideal candidates for call centre work with Aviva.
An insider did remark that the Alpha Pensions Claim Team had now swung from a group of zombie seat warmers to a vastly over qualified hairy workforce, which has shocked many pension holders who have experienced an improvement in the service they received from Aviva - well done chimps!!
Although distracted by their strange desire to type out the entire portfolio of William Shakespeare on their portable typewriters - circus training coming good for the little rescals - the chimps are slowly grasping the technique of answering an incoming call. They do this by launching themselves head first onto their computer keyboard which is positioned in a car tyre hanging from a light fitting, thereby generating a response from the I.T system. This letter is then printed off and posted to the policy holder using the slowest method of delivery possible, wedged in the mouth of an elderly, limping, short-sighted tortoise that has no sense of direction.
Although this response is utterly unhelpful and total nonsense for the customer, the chimps are exceeding all expectations, something that the previous incumbents never did because their response to incoming calls were always utterly unhelpful, total nonsense AND repetitive dumbness.
The downside so far observed by using chimps, is that although they are highly skilled at holding cups of tea in a group, sitting around a table and gibbering away, they do have the tendency to roll their poo into small balls and flick them across the room. These balls of poop (not to be confused with the bull sh*t thrown about by their zombie predecessors) does involve a great deal of expenditure on carpet and wall cleaner.
In an attempt to improve their behaviour, various organ grinders have been contacted in order to try and reduce the airborne display of cr*p that is endemic within this pension claims team. It failed with the zombies and regretfully, it has failed with the chimps.
However, with the Aviva brand so badly stained already - with black marks all round, with walls that look as though they have been pebbledashed by these poop balls - the management still remain positive that by dipping their recruitment toes into the animal gene pool, the battered reputation of Aviva pension claims will improve.
End of 'Can this be true?'
Now a more direct rant....."Alpha" = 'A' list.....those chair warming zombies that the chimps replaced would not even make the 'Z' list. In fact, there is not an alphabet yet devised on Earth or on any lifeless distant planet where they would be PROMOTED to be placed at the bottom of an alphabet. End of rant. Spleen vented - for now.
Reviewed on: 29th August 2016
